Embracing and Overcoming Fear
A few weeks ago, I published my first ever blog sharing my experience of Mum Guilt. It’s important you know that hitting publish that day was one of the most vulnerable things I have ever done. But probably not for the reasons you would think. See, I wasn’t worried about people judging me as a parent, I was worried about people judging me as a writer. The simple truth is that over the last few years, writing any more than an email provokes a sense of absolute dread!
This wasn’t the first time I had felt this kind of fear. When I started my business a few years back I found myself face to face with my life-long nemesis: Public Speaking. Any form of presentation turned me into an erratic monster for the week before as the anxiety built. The day of a presentation, no matter the scale of the occasion, I had to control the ever-increasing urge to run for the hills. When I finally stood up in front of people I would shake, get the driest of mouths and my heart would beat so fast I felt like everyone could hear it vibrating in my voice. For years I had managed to avoid any situation where presenting was involved, taking the back seat, delegating to one of my team and even calling in sick on a couple of occasions.
The problem is when you have a new business, you have no money coming in and someone offers you the opportunity to talk about what you are doing, you have to put yourself out there and go for it. Four years on and I have now presented hundreds of times to hundreds of people across the globe and weirdly I would even go as far as to say I enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, the adrenaline kicks in and my heart still races but it feels good.
So, when I found myself wanting to write a blog in the hope of helping others, I knew I had what it took to face my fear. I had done it before. I just needed to use my learnings from presenting and apply them to this new challenge.
If you are struggling with something, personal or professional, and you find yourself avoiding even getting started for fear of failure, you frequently have moments of absolute anxiety and/or you feel like you may be holding yourself back, here’s what I learnt. I hope this helps!
Why are you doing this to yourself?
‘To make it happen, make it matter.’ My very aggressive spin instructor shouted this at me last week and it couldn’t be more true. Ask yourself, why on earth am I even considering doing this? Whether it’s signing up for a marathon, going to your boss about a pay rise or having a difficult conversation with a loved one, take the time to understand why it’s so important to you. In writing that first blog, I focused on the one person that may benefit from it. The parent sat somewhere feeling some of what I had felt and that maybe by reading my blog suddenly didn’t feel so alone. Find your “Why” and write it down. When you wobble, when doubt creeps in, when it feels bloody terrifying, remember your “Why”?
Understand what is stopping you.
As well as knowing why it’s important, I needed to own up to what was stopping me and often/always, I’m my own worst enemy. As I explained last time. My self-talk is a bit of a b*tch and when it came time to write my blog, the story I was telling myself went like this…
‘you had to retake GCSE English’
‘you can’t even spell grammar’
‘how arrogant are you to think anyone wants to know what you think’
‘it will never be good enough’
Nice hey? Funny how I would never be so harsh to another human.
So my advice, find some people you trust. Like really, genuinely trust. The ones that if you had your haircut and it was awful, they would tell you. They would be kind in the delivery but they can give you the feedback you don’t always want to hear. Share with them what you want to achieve, why you want to do it and then ask for their thoughts. Don’t be afraid to get them to read a draft copy, listen to your presentation, practice a difficult conversation. Embrace any feedback and if it’s challenging then listen, if it’s positive then use that to quieten your inner voice.
Reflect on your reflections
My last learning was my biggest when it came to presenting. It wasn’t how to stand, what to say or how to use power point (although that all came in handy!), it was to manage how I reflect after the event. See I’m a BIG self-reflector post an event, in fact as my greatest critic I am exceptional at telling myself the many things I did wrong. With presenting, one of my defence mechanisms is that as soon as I finish, I start telling anyone who will listen all the things that didn’t go well so there is no room for anyone else to criticise me.
Without knowing it, I was reflecting so negatively that I was building a vicious cycle and crippling my confidence. How could I possibly look forward to presenting if I already knew I was going to punish myself after? So, here’s what I did. As soon as possible after I finished, before I let even one negative thought cross my mind, I would do two simple things:
1 - Write down three things that went well. This was tough to start. I was so programmed to look for the negatives that my first attempt was something along the lines of 1) I got most of my message across 2) I didn’t fall over 3) a couple of people nodded and smiled at what I was saying. Pretty basic but all were true and previously I wouldn’t have even given them airtime! It was only once I had found three things that went right that I allowed myself to look at things I could do better. Again, I limited these to three but in order to be kind to myself, they had to be things I could improve upon next time.
2 – When possible I would ask for one piece of constructive feedback. At first, one was all I could cope with but now I ask for as much as possible and actually bring people along with the sole focus of providing me with that feedback. I had to change my narrative on feedback from criticism to learning. If I wanted to get better, I needed to hear the truth from other people. Word of warning though, only take feedback from those that are also willing to put themselves out there. In the words of Brené Brown, “if you are not in the arena also getting your arse kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
These two tools work just as well after a training run, a difficult conversation, a presentation to the board. It’s all about how you manage your reflections so they are constructive not destructive.
I want to finish this by saying that tackling a fear head on is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. But it takes bravery and determination so make sure when you are feeling uncomfortable or scared that you give yourself the respect to acknowledge where you are and what you are doing. Give yourself the credit you deserve, I promise it will be worth it.